I know from experience that the fuckshed dudes know how to fuck good. Their fuck shed is usually even nicer than the bedroom in their house/apartment.
I’m gonna need you to verify these
“Sex area” sounds like ChatGPT’s gone steamy, only to give up five prompts later.
Wood shed? Bus stop? Library?
Once I manage to gather enough savings I’m designing a sex attic. Just need to insulate the roof and put in some heating.
Van fuckers are just shed fuckers who have not yet settled down and gotten a fuckshed.
What if you have a fuck van and a fuck shed?
…asking for a friend
Are basement fuckers shed fuckers who haven’t committed to the shed fucker life?
I’m not a facement bucker, I’m a facement buckers son, and I’m only bucking facements till the facement bucker comes
Haven’t been chained up in a sex basement yet. 🤷♂️
Every day is learning day here on lemmy.
fuckshed
yuuup
Great username, by the way.
thanks, I needed one when hastily leaving reddit during the mod purge and had a stack of dvd’s next to my laptop for my kid - powerpuff girls and lotr
I imagine that’s what he calls his fuckshed.
You have no idea how much I wish I was more gay.
Sending you my gayest thoughts.
More gay? More gay than what?
More gay than you! HA!
More gay than the gay I currently am
On a scale of George Costanza to Tim Cook, how hay is that?
I… Who is gayer on that scale?
I haven’t the foggiest who those people are
You guys actually get matches?
Goddamn. Here I am in straight world with exactly one match in an entire year that wasn’t a bot.
Eh
Fuck it the apps are scams anyway
Grindr doesn’t have matching. You just see a profile you like and message them directly.
That’s probably why it actually works.
That’s how Hinge works also. The reason Grindr works is that men are more likely to be down to fuck in the Wendy’s bathroom with a stranger.
If you download Grindr, you too can have an inbox full of poorly lit bathroom dick pics and people asking you if you know where they can get hard drugs!
It’s less a “dating” app, and more a way for “straight” men in denial of their sexuality to find dl fun.
Almost makes me wish I was gay. Getting some strange would be easier at least lol
There are women on the app too. And don’t forget the femboys. ;)
Are people on grindr mostly normal or mostly freaky?
A mix. You will get bombarded with the poor quality photos and “u party?” (Code for meth). But I’ve enjoyed some late night conversations about everything from anime to French philosophy, and met some nice men to have a good time with. Even have made some friends (and a few would self identify as “freaks”). You’ll meet everyone from closeted self hated conservative businessmen to van living hippies.
It’s a very direct space. When someone asks “what are you looking for?” you don’t have to beat around the bush. If they aren’t interested, they’ll block and move on.
The app is absolutely garbage though. The ads are some of the most obtrusive and obnoxious ads any mobile app has ever had.
Sounds like you need to work on your profile and set of pics. Many years ago I logged into PoF as a woman and was stunned at how bad the other guy’s profiles were.
-
Write something humorous, make your post amusing, doesn’t have to be LOL funny
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Don’t list anything you find unacceptable, too negative
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Don’t list anything you have to have in a partner, too demanding
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Post a wide variety of pics, get a couple of your very best, but get some day-to-day pics in there, looks more honest that way
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Also post pics where you’re in action, engaged in an activity you like, write about activities you enjoy, show yourself doing those things
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NO: Guns, dead animals, motorcycles, trucks or other vehicles you wish to show off
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No pics that include other women, no matter who they are. I’d try to leave male friends out as well.
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Don’t talk about being lonely, wanting to share your life with someone, nothing emotional, sounds needy, that comes later
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No need to come with your life story, they’re reading your profile to see if you’re an interesting person today, not where you came from
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Do what I did and sign in as the opposite sex (sorry, been assuming you’re a man looking for a woman), read their dumb profiles, don’t do those things
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Once you get it down, splatter that profile across several websites. You catch more fish with multiple hooks in the water.
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One final note, when you get matches, chat very briefly, ask for the date. Women out there are seriously frustrated with guys that seem to only want to talk, talk, talk. Get that date set before someone bolder asks her out!
Sorry for making so many assumptions. If this doesn’t help you, maybe someone else can get use out of it. For context, I was 50-53 and pulling so many dates the neighbors were making fun of me over all the women in and out of here. Also, I’m short and scrawny, non-rich and my vehicles are 20+ years old. :)
@peoplebeproblems@midwest.social
Awesome list. Big fan of no negativity or being demanding or needy. Also a big fan of using dgaf humor in your bio. Also a big, big fan of asking girls out quick.
A few things I disagree on:
- Motorcycles are hot. If you ride, get a cool pic of yourself riding. Like, a pic of you cornering on the track or blasting up a dirt hill (depending on bike type). But yes, don’t just take a pic of your bike like owning a bike is your whole personality.
- Imo, pics with other people in them are great. I don’t like far-away group shots, since it is hard to pick you out unless you are obnoxiously front and center. But a pic of you with one or two friends is a good pic for showing your social circle and how you look socially. After all, having friends is a green flag.
- If you are specifically seeking casual sex or non-monogamy, having other women in your profile can also be a good thing. Sure, a woman seeking a monogamous relationship may be turned off - but on the other hand, having female friends is a green flag for not being a creep. And if a girl wants to fuck, she wants to fuck a guy who fucks, since he’s more likely to fuck her good.
But I feel like the big thing I disagree with in your comment is the thing that I find I disagree with in most men’s dating advice I find in left-leaning spaces. It’s all “don’t”, “don’t”, “don’t”, and “no”, “no”, “no”. And all of the things you are warning against are good warnings - but the overall impression is one of disempowerment - here is a bunch of things not to do. Okay, well what should you do? And the answer (as you noted) is to get good pictures.
And I feel like the real thing I want to add to your conment is emphasis.
GET GOOD PICTURES.
Pics are 97% of how you succeed on dating apps. Bio is 3%. Your bio, at best, is probably neutral (though as you noted, it is a great way to shoot yourself in the foot). Picspicspicspicspics!!!
In order to get good pics, first of all, be good looking. You don’t have to be a Calvin Klein model, but be the best looking version of you that you can be. Hit the gym, eat vegetables, get enough sleep, get a good haircut, buy some stylish clothes, take care of your skin, and express who you are and who you want to become in the way you present yourself.
At this point in my rant, I feel like I need to take a moment to address the “just be yourself” crowd, who may come in and say that changing the way you dress or your diet in order to attract women is somehow fake or inauthentic. And my response is that “being yourself” is shit advice if you currently aren’t getting any matches. Don’t be yourself - become the person you want to become. Because the person you want to become is not only literally what you want, but they are also almost certainly a dashing fucking bastard. And beyond that - “be yourself?” Okay, fine, I will be myself - and myself wants to match with some hotties! Why is that an illegitimate desire? Why is everything else “who I really am”, while my desire for emotional and physical companionship is somehow inauthentic? Seriously, this attitude is just thinly veiled sexual puritanism. Fuck that nonsense!
Another side note: yes, you should lose weight and hit the gym or something. Around this time, someone claiming to be female will typically chime in with some comment about how “guys with big muscles are gross” - which is just such an obvious attempt at gaslighting. Like, go ask Arnold if he ever had any trouble with the ladies. Yes, some women dislike big muscles. Yes, if you keep getting huge (like, taking steroids huge), then you will eventually hit a point where fewer women like you than when you were smaller. Yes, long before you get to that point, you will find diminishing returns to hitting the gym more versus working on literally any other aspect of your life. And yes, women have diverse preferences on body type - some like bodybuilders, some like swimmers, some like ultrarunners, and some like big burly guys with potbellies. But it is a very rare woman who looks at an overweight, pear-shaped gamer body and says “ugh, hawt”. If you exercise regularly and eat vegetables at nearly every meal already, then good job, we are all very proud of you. But if you don’t, you need to get started on that shit yesterday. Humans are animals, and animals want to mate with other animals that are physically healthy, so be healthy
/rant
Anyway, go spend 2 months buying clothes and getting a haircut and improving your sleep hygiene and starting a (reasonable and sustainable) diet and exercise routine. Then go out and start getting some pictures.
Yes, you will almost certainly have to go out with the explicit intention of getting pictures for dating apps. Most attractive women have been practicing looking good in photos since they were 11. They’ve been practicing how to put on makeup so it hides their flaws in shots. They’ve been figuring out how to angle their heads and adjust their jaws to hide their double chin. They’ve been working on getting the framing just right so you can see enough cleavage to be enticing, but not so much that it’s slutty. Every time they go out to a bar, or on a hike, or to a party, or to a pottery class, they ask their friend to get a photo of themselves looking cute, doing the thing. Meanwhile, as a guy, you have not been doing that, so your best photo is a slightly blurry shot of you in a bar where your smile didn’t look awkward for the first time in your life. Why do so many guys have fish pics on dating apps? My theory is that it is because these are the only pictures they have of themselves. So don’t be a fish pic guy! Grab a bro (or a tripod) and go out and shoot some photos of yourself. Ideally, use a good dslr camera so you can control the f-stop and get a good bokeh - but high-end smartphone cameras and post-hoc photo editing can get mostly the same effect these days.
Your goals with these photos is:
- Look good. Literally, if you do nothing but get a bunch of shots of you doing fuck all in different poses, locations, and outfits while looking handsome, you will be head and shoulders above most guys. Body language, facial expression, lighting, and composition all matter. Make your photos look good!! (Important side note - make sure you have at least one clear photo of your face, and one clear photo of your body).
- Be interesting. The school photo style shot can be “good enough”, but it is ultimately boring and looks fake. The easiest way to make a photo interesting is to be doing something where it looks like a candid shot. This could be as simple as just walking down the street or drinking a cup of coffee. But your pictures are more interesting if you are doing something that is (get this!) interesting! So shots of you doing cool shit are what we want - pics of you doing a sport or hobby, pics of you doing a cool job, pics of you holding a cute dog, pics of you travelling to a cool place.
- Tell a story. Since bio does basically fuckall, we want to tell the story of who you are through your photos. What makes you awesome? What will dating you look like? What are your attractive features? Get some shots of yourself looking focused and serious, and some shots where you look fun and playful. Show off your normal, chill side, your exuberant side, your sexy side, your stoic side. Use your photos to paint a picture of who you are, what you want, and what you can bring to the table.
Once you have done all that, if you still aren’t getting matches, or aren’t satisfied with the quantity or quality of the matches you’re getting, there are a few things to do.
- Remember: location, location, location. The smaller the population around you, the faster your well of potential matches runs dry. If you live in a smaller town or city, there comes a point where you are better off just leaving the house and meeting girls the old fashioned way. If you are really serious - move.
- Iterate. Improve fitness and style, and then take even more pics, replacing one pic at a time in your profile with a more attractive one.
- Iterate more. Improve your lifestyle. Try new hobbies. Expand your horizons. Then get pics of you doing these new, even cooler things.
- Make yourself real. The problem is that catfishing is a problem on dating apps, so many women are nervous to match with a guy who looks like he might be faking it - and with your awesome profile, you might look “too good to be true”. So build up your IG by posting regularly, and link your IG to your profile. Then a girl who is interested in you can see that you are actually a cool guy who does cool things regularly and has a thriving social life with lots of friends in his pics and liking his posts. This is pretty easy if you just do one cool thing per month and then post some pics from that thing. After a year, you’ll have a sufficiently full IG to link to the apps, and it’ll only get better from there.
Of course, at this point it is easier to actually be a cool guy who does cool things with friends all the time, at which point the women have won - they have successfully seduced you into having a life worth living instead of being a neckbeard who never leaves the house. Damn feminazis, ruining our awesome male lives /s
Well, at least I lost the weight and built muscle. I have better clothes. I could do with maybe 15lbs lower. I could use more nice outfits.
I don’t exactly have a strong social network, nor anyone who is actually there taking photos when Im out cause that just doesn’t happen I guess.
But there is something there that caught my attention. “Too good to be true.”
I’m wondering if that might be part of the problem? Someone looks up how much my career makes, they’re going to find it’s a lot. 6’? Blue eyes, not fat? Sounds super smart?
Idk. I’m hoping it’s just the shit pictures.
It is almost certainly the shit pictures. If you are in “too good to be true” territory, you will be getting matches, but women will be asking you things like “are you real?” and “are you a model?”
As I said, grab a bro or a tripod. A friend is better - but said friend should almost certainly also be a single male friend with a strong focus on improving their dating profile. No one else will be as dedicated. Professional photogs can also be helpful, but for anything beyond “school photo” shots, you will really be racking up the bills. Shooting good photos takes a lot of time and effort, so your friend and photographer will need to show up again and again and again in order for you to build a good profile. Ime, it takes about 2-3h on average to get one photo, including finding a location, setting up equipment, figuring out a good pose, working with lighting, etc. Then you should shoot somewhere between 500 and 1000 shots - iterating, messing around with lighting and posing, etc. And then, typically, only 1 in 3-5 photos you spend the time shooting is actually good enough to include in your profile. So if you and your bro go out 5 days per week and shoot for 5 hours each day (2.5h for each of you), you should expect to generate one good photo for the apps each week.
Or you could use a tripod and remote shutter. The downside here is that you have no one to push you out the door to actually do the work, no one to give another opinion on how the shots look or what to try, you have to line up all your shots yourself and iterate time and again with delayed feedback, and there is no one around to take the edge off the fact that you are posing in front of a camera alone in public which is incredibly awkward. But the upside is that your tripod won’t complain about waking up at 4:30 am so you can shoot for 2 hours during the golden hour.
Other possibilties: you are shooting yourself in the foot with your bio; you live in a metro of less than 1mil (or SF); your misanthropy and social isolation are etched into your face and posture, and this comes through in the pics you currently have. Don’t worry, you can hide this last one with the law of large numbers in your pics. But also… it’s something to work on long term
Edit:
Re: fat loss. If you can cut down to abs and get a shirtless shot, its a bug win. But not necessary to get matches.
Re: clothes. Make sure your clothes aren’t just “nice”, but are cool or stylish, hopefully expressing something about who you are.
Carrying anything on my face is a terrifying prospect, IDK if it’s an autistic thing but I can’t do many expressions that don’t look obviously forced.
And I do live in a metro of less than 1m, but I believe my range goes up to a metro of > 1m.
The clothes I have now are stylish. But I have no photos in them yet.
But more importantly, I think I’ve just realized I’m really not ready to date, no matter how strong my desire for intimacy is. I’ll be going through some medicine changes and therapy. Maybe I’ll re look at this after.
Some of these are definitely up to your own personal preference.
Plenty of MAGA chicks on Tinder in my area that, themselves, have pics of their guns, dead animals and trucks. I’m sure they’d love all the country bros that do the same.
But then again, I don’t think anyone on Lemmy wants to attract those people.
Also, the market is a bit saturated with MAGA bros. Certainly there are women looking for them, but the gender ratio has a skew
I’m in the Deep South. Saw exactly one MAGA post.
NO: Guns, dead animals, motorcycles, trucks or other vehicles you wish to show off
Dang it so no train pics I take it?
No pics that include other women, no matter who they are. I’d try to leave male friends out as well.
See I’ve heard the opposite advise. A non-cover photo of you with some friends including non-male friends if you have any indicates you’re not a loner and might have some idea of how to talk to other humans
Other people in your pics brings up to many assumptions about who’s who, what your relationships are, all that mess.
The thing is to avoid pics that beg the question. Does that make sense?
Huh. Well. I guess I’m doing everything right then.
Maybe the photos need a lot of work. That will be challenging.
Get lots of pics! Can’t ever tell which ones will work out!
If none are working out? Take a long hard look in the mirror. What can you fix or improve? I’ve rarely met another human that couldn’t do something to be more attractive. Do that thing for yourself, not some anonymous stranger.
Honestly? There is one thing that I’m struggling with, and I don’t know if I can intentionally change it. My stim is plucking my beard hairs. So it makes it virtually impossible to grow facial hair anymore.
Meaning I have to be clean shaven, which isnt hard itself, but it can quickly go haywire.
It won’t fix the rest of my appearance. More clothing varieties maybe.
I could bulk up even more. but it would have to be a lot of muscle, and based on what I have currently achieved that might be another year.
damn thats a lot of effort lol
will stick with never using dating apps ever again in my life, already settled on dying alone in a cabin with a dog because the app life juice is not worth the squeeze
It really isn’t that much effort. It’s writing a profile and posting it.
I’m good, dating apps feel like a waste of time. If I get a partner it won’t be through a stellar profile of mine. I’m okay with not getting a partner because I’m that stubborn. I don’t have pictures of myself that are older than like 10 years. I will not take new ones. I’m okay with not getting a partner because I refuse to take selfies.
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I met my wife on IRC. Try that!
IRC? Like a specific one or just a random one from the early 2000s
I met someone in the official XKCD channel. That person referenced a private server. Later I went to a LAN party where another attendee happened to be on that same private server. I figured that had to be significant and joined the server myself. Some months later, a fluke caused my face to be displayed on a webcam feed I had linked there. My now-wife saw it and proclaimed me cute.
Really that was all it took, but she’s never since done anything that caused me to regret falling for her.
I gotta say, this does not seem like a replicable strategy.
I think “be open to meeting women where ever you go” is good advice. But I kinda doubt OP is gonna have great success meeting someone specifically by joining an IRC
Yeah, it was pretty unlikely back then and much more so now. I guess I should have included a sarcasm mark - I wasn’t offering it as a serious suggestion. I do wish them luck meeting someone to love.
Grindr doesn’t really have a “match” system. You can send a message to anyone whose profile you can see (unless/until they block you). Think of it less like a traditional dating app and more like an interactive billboard of horny people in your area.
Why isn’t there a straight version of that lol
Multiple answers to that question:
- There are women on Grindr - in my experience, mostly trans women or m/f couples looking for a third. So men can find straight sex on Grindr, but it’s rare. Women are definitely a scant minority of the users.
- There are plenty of “straight” men on Grindr. You’d have to ask them why - I usually block them.
- The reason why dating apps marketed towards straight people don’t allow this kind of messaging (and the reason there aren’t more women on Grindr) is because women, generally speaking, won’t put up with the same kind of shit that gay men will. A straight dating app where men could send horny messages and dick pics to every woman they saw wouldn’t have any women using it.
The world lost untold weirdness when Craigslist took down their personals section, cause that’s where my down dirty girlfriends were getting the dick back in the day. You could go on and have your pick of dozens of guys in an hour. Generally they were real guys. Most were awful but they found some diamonds in the rough.
You could go on and have your pick of dozens of guys in an hour.
You can still do that on dating apps.
Or it would have the horniest, sluttiest women in the world just like Grindr has me 🤷♂️
Eh.
- Even dirty, slutty women don’t like constantly being give death and rape threats.
- There are not enough slutty women to meet demand. Even if a woman is banging 3 guys per day, either her roster will fill up instantly or (if she never bangs the same guy twice) the guys she has alreadh banged will be back in the market an hour after they blow their loads.
- Slutty women might want to fuck a lot, but they still have their preferences and will exercise them. Why fuck the overweight, balding McDonald’s worker when you can fuck a finance bro with a six pack and a razor-sharp jawline? And if you are that finance bro, why would you be on an app with so few women (as per, (2))? Most women will gravitate towards platforms where they feel safe and respected (wrt normal cultural norms regarding sex), so the hot guys will be spending their time on these platforms since they are largely ambivalent to anything except the existance of a suitably large and attractive female population.
I’ll note that this is essentially the dynamic at play on fetlife. We already have a real life example of how this works out, and no, it is not a utopia of abundant pussy for every horny dude, but rather the opposite - fetlife is well known for having worse outcomes for straight guys than mainstream dating platforms, because women simply don’t respond to (almost any) messages on the platform.
8 consecutive gut punches.
Secret NSFW one
(spoiler)
This is the funniest thing I have read all week
Why would the first one work on me. Do i have no self preservation instinct left.
I would like to introduce tentacle guy to tranquilizer man.
That’s how you end up with the nightmare that seemed really real…or with the next conversation that ends up on Grindr’s Greatest Hits compilation.
Are any of these real? I really want them to be but also what please no
make a grindr account and find out.
Jesus. This whole post needs more jpeg.
Or mpreg
Do ah look like ah know hwat a jay-peg is?
Oh Hank.
As a pansexual man, men are the worst. If it wasn’t mandated by evolution, I don’t know why women would put up with us.
Ugh, casual sexism. Look at the bottom of the barrel, and judge an entire gender by the way those behave.
A lot of guys, gay or otherwise, don’t think or behave like that. And by your own definition, you’re also the worst. Sucks to have that terrible self esteem, but don’t lump me up with your self-hating ass
As a human being, human beings are the worst. If it wasn’t for our tendency to completely dominate our environments, I don’t know why the world would put up with us.
Try an experiment: go on Fetlife and setup a profile as a fem. Start collecting DMs. It might be enlightening.
And by your own definition, you’re also the worst.
Yes, you’re very smart.
I’d bet any amount of money that they would respond to any criticism of men with a 5,000 page dissertation but any criticism of women would just get an upvote.
Lemmy is, for better or worse, much like early 2010’s reddit. You’ve got a generally left leaning vibe with intense neckbeard bullshit mixed in.
Yeah, and they don’t even have a clue how clueless they are.
Super easy to assume when you’re no actually betting. Or finding a 5,000 page dissertation. But of course, moving the goalposts, claiming it was a hyperbole, grandstanding and virtue signaling without actually checking yourself for biases is all what most people do, on any end of the sociopolitical spectrum.
And tagging anything you disagree with as neckbeard, incel and other derrogative, thought ending cliches, while defending blanket statements about entire groups of people, hard to believe the cognitive dissonance doesn’t make more people uncomfortable.
Edit: And the main reason why you hardly ever see any sexist comment like that about women here in Lemmy is because a lot of people, me included, report them on sight, and the mods are great at removing them, as well as rightfully so, banning the offending users.
Feel free to test it out if you’d like, make a post or a comment like that about women, and watch it dissappear. Because sexism and bigotry should have no place here. And it is very health to actually test your theories and biases.
Getting wildly offended on behalf of neckbeards and incels to the point of posting a 4 paragraph rant really isn’t helping you beat the 50 billion page accusation.
It also really doesn’t help that reading it while doing a Ben Shapiro impression is extremely funny.
Open garbage can > Look in > Mostly garbage.
How very insightful of you, mate.
There are some amazing people in FetLife, and in Grindr too. But like I said before, looking at the very bottom of the barrel and judging a whole gender based on it, that is beyond stupid.
Funny how I never seem to have these issues with fems and non-binary people. Even the ones who grew up masc. In fact, most of the problems there are a direct result of really shitty behavior from men and trying to cope with it.
Instead of going “not all men”, maybe try to point out shitty behavior? Maybe one day, we can get past all this.
The point is, if 10% of guys in a given population are unspeakably awful, that’s the 10% who you will hear from on a dating app. You don’t get that from fems because they are typically being pursued on all dating and social media apps, because we still largely hold to the cultural norm that men/masc presenting people are responsible for asking the other person out.
It seems worse on Grindr because the majority of users are cis men-the very people who have been told since birth that it’s their job to pursue sexual connections. Of course that leads to poor behavior.
I point out shitty behavior, no matter the source. Hence why I am pointing out your very shitty behavior, that you’re too biased to even comprehend.
You sound like the reason women choose the bear.
And you sound like someone who polices choices, swallow the onion whole, feeds the trolls AND takes ragebait at face value.
I truly hope you get to see the world and yourself with kinder, more reality based eyes one day.
There’s no winning with you. You argue with the same logic as a trump supporter.
I was dating hot and heavy a couple of years ago. Fun first date question was to ask the woman about bad first dates they’ve had. Jesus fucking Christ, I have no idea why they keep trying with us men! I have exactly 1 horrible first date story, and that was more stupid than horrible.
must be nice bro. i have been out with 100s of women over the years. i’d say a good quarter to 1/3 of them were horrible people. selfish, nasty, racist, sexist, violent etc. i’ve been sexually assaulted quite a few times too.
it’s just that most violent shitty women get a pass because they are women and not perceived as a ‘threat’ to society. the way a violent man is. a woman raping a man is not considered heinous crime, it’s considered a man ‘getting lucky’.
this bullshit that men are awful and women are wonderful is pure sexism. in my experience both sexes are shitty, it’s just that one sex gets called out on it a lot more than the other.
Consistent with my experiences on there. Sigh
Not mine. Where the hell are you staying that you get these people? lol
Spoiler…Mike Johnston is in the woodshed
Grindr makes me want to give a swag
We need a dedicated image dumps community
Jelly
N-T! N-T!!
(Only people who like '80s romcom movies will probably get this.)
Or people exited about the end of DOS based Windows
Not the reference I was hoping would be recognized, but yeah - I guess I left myself open for that.
