You have some options here. Do you want a pointer device, like a presentation clicker? Or a wireless touchpad? There are some bluetooth mini keyboards that are really compact, and have touchpads. Fosmon and Rii seem to be popular brands. Getting two 8bitdo gamepads and setting them up for mouse and keyboard is another option I guess :)

And the pants, lowered all the way to the floor, are swimming in a pool of piss